Necessary Torture: Sleep Training Twins
Just about every time we take the twins anywhere the three questions we get are:
1. Twins?
2. How old are they?
3. Are you sleeping/how are they sleeping?
I had no idea so many people would care if we were sleeping or if our babies were sleeping. Some days I’d like to think that we look pretty well rested and that they’re asking because they’re surprised by how good we look. In reality, I’m guessing they see the huge suitcases under our eyes, feel a little sorry for us, and want the real story.
Our babies really do sleep pretty well, a quality I’d like to attribute to their time in the very busy, very loud NICU, where they spent the first 78 days of their lives. But, they don’t always sleep well, and they don’t always sleep, so we’re trying some sleep training.
I read this book in the middle of the night while I was pregnant. It’s what I would read when I was having my midnight snack. What a stupid idea…reading in the middle of the night and being pregnant at the same time = zero retention. Also, I thought our kids would sleep like little angels for their entire lives without any cajoling. Wrong.
So when we realized that Patrick really was about to start residency and that our 6 months home together was rapidly coming to an end, we decided we needed to:
1. Move the kids out of our room and into their own rooms
2. Stop swaddling them (because they were so close to turning over from back to front)
3. Institute a real nap schedule
The challenges:
1. Moving the kids out of our room meant that when one would make a little squeak, we could no longer just sit up and take a look at them (yes, we’ve slept with a lamp on in our room for the last 4 months), and we now actually have to go into their room to make sure they’re ok. I realize that there is such a thing as a video monitor, but we don’t have one. Unfortunately, I didn’t re-read much of the sleep training book before we started this process and there are a few paragraphs about uninterrupted sleep and how important it is for babies. It also says that sometimes babies squeak in their sleep and to give them some time to settle themselves because often, just going in their room, is enough to actually wake them up.
I’ve now re-read the section that really needed re-reading, and we give them three minutes of squeak time, then one of us checks in on them, settles them down and walks away…then if they start up again, we add three minutes (so 6 minutes) and we continue on this way adding 3 minutes each time. The idea is that you put them down for bed or naps drowsy but awake so they learn to soothe themselves and fall asleep on their own. This method is called “graduated extinction,” which I think might be the worst name ever. Oh, wait, no, “extinction,” AKA “crying it out” is the worst name ever. So, we’re working on the graduated extinction method at bedtime, nap time, and in the middle of the night.
We seem to have missed the boat on this one as far as “drowsy but awake” goes…oops.
One thing that I think has made a huge difference in our success with this is that we started a bedtime routine quite a long time ago, so bedtime isn’t really a fight. We feed them, prop them up on our bed, and read to them. We had been reading until they fell asleep but now we’re reading 3 books and then putting them in bed, whether they are awake or asleep and practicing “graduated extinction.”
2. Since our kids were in the NICU, they have been swaddled at bedtime and nap time and respond very well to being wrapped up tightly. We use various swaddle sacks which are like little velcro straight jackets. For the past few weeks, the babies have been waking themselves up trying to get out of them, and in the process coming very, very close to turning over and ending up on their faces with arms wrapped up too tight to help them turn back over. This is terrifying.
Babies wearing straight jackets swaddle sacks
Success without the swaddle!
We’ve gone cold turkey with the swaddle. Now when we put them down, they have arms out (we still wrap them waist down for warmth but it’s not restrictive at all). Often, when we put them down they flail a bit, as they still have that newborn startle reflex, you know the one, where their arms fly all over the place when you move them? Sometimes that wakes them up, but this transition has been largely successful. So…not sure what the “challenge” part of this one is…
3. Consistent nap times are very difficult for some reason. I think I see patterns in their sleep and then, wham, I try to put them down for naps at the same time the following day and it’s all over. Pure torture. The other day I tried to put them both down at the same time they’d slept for almost 3 hours the day before. I did “graduated extinction” until I got to 25 minutes (I was doing 5 minute increments). Neala finally fell asleep after I’d done 5 minutes, 10 minutes, and 15 minutes (she fell asleep in the 20 minute block of time). And poor little Rylan got himself so worked up I went to the 25 minute block and had to hold him for about 20 more minutes until he could relax enough to take a deep breath and fall asleep. It was an epic failure and I’m secretly glad that we’ve had things going on every day since then during that time and I haven’t been forced to try again. But there’s always tomorrow.
This is what a hysterical baby looks like. He started out with his head the other direction.
Overall, I will say it’s going pretty well. Last night they slept for 9 hours between feedings and then another 3 after we fed them. It was fantastic…We’ll see how tonight goes. We are making progress and I know it’s for the best. Our kids need the sleep and so do we! I will say that letting them cry until they’re hysterical was pretty horrific and made me feel like the worst mother on the planet. Some things work for some people and other things work for others. The most important thing for me is to remember that the babies aren’t out to get me, and that I need to be flexible with our routines because they are ever changing!
This is what happens when we leave the room. Wrestling babies!!
This was not actually during nap time, they were just playing but I couldn’t resist. I’m sure there will be many more similar moments in our lives in the near future.
For A Glorious Summer Vacation Visit Brush Ranch
Sometimes it’s kind of cool to come from a family full of hoarders. Sorry dad, it’s true (and also, have you seen our garage…I’m not exactly immune!).
When my parents were cleaning stuff out and throwing a few items away before their move to the big city, they came across a few gems including this old brochure advertising Brush Ranch when it was a working dude ranch and guest ranch. It’s a pretty awesome two color print with a nice vintage flare…I mean, it is vintage, so it should have that flare. I’m guessing this was printed in the late 1940s or early 1950s but I’m not too sure. I’m pretty sure the typeface for the majority of the copy is Futura…still widely used today.
Some of my favorite things about this brochure:
- It suggests that, ” For the finest western vacation for the family…write for reservations to – BRUSH RANCH Tererro, N.M.” Wait, really? Write for reservations? And the whole address is “BRUSH RANCH, Tererro, N.M.?” Wow. That’s cool.
- The phone number listed on the back is 2492 and appears to be a number in Pecos…maybe to the post office. It’s hard to tell.
- The map is awesome and even includes the Santa Fe airport…so, according to this brochure, the Santa Fe airport has been around since phone numbers were only 4 digits. Who knew?
- It says that Brush Ranch is recommended by Duncan Hines. Oh, good, boxed cakes approve?
- A few words that are used that I’d like to begin including in my daily speech:
Comradeship
Kibitzers
Rollicking
Click on the images below to see them a bit larger and if you’d like them larger still, leave a comment and I can email them to you.
Front of brochure
Map of the area
Inside brochure
Inside of brochure (when it’s completely unfolded)
Back of brochure…”For a Glorious summer vacation visit…Brush Ranch.”
A Reflection After 6 Months
The twins were 6 months last week, which is still totally unbelievable to me. It seems like just yesterday I found out I was pregnant, and so, I’d like to take a moment to reflect on the last year or so, and really just the parts when I was pregnant, since you can read all about the rest of it in my other posts.
A year ago, I was sick as a dog…pulling over on my way to work to, how shall we put this…”get rid of breakfast,” realizing what it meant to not be able to button my pants (I’ve had some small weight fluctuation in my life, but I’ve ALWAYS been able to button my pants), and trying my very hardest to keep the fact that I was pregnant a big, fat, secret. I am terrible at keeping secrets, so that last part was particularly difficult for me. I’d miscarried before, so I didn’t want to tell too many people, just in case things didn’t go as planned.
Not too long after I got pregnant, another twin mom and friend recommended I buy a book called, “When You’re Expecting Twins, Triplets, or Quads: Proven Guidelines for a Healthy Multiple Pregnancy.” I absolutely lived by that book. The first few chapters scared the crap out of me and I thought it must be an exaggeration when it recommended I gain around 50 lbs.! I couldn’t imagine gaining that much weight and had no idea where it was all going to go. A few weeks later, I went to the doctor and she recommended the same amount of weight gain, and from there on out, my mission in life was to gain 50 lbs. The book recommended gaining as much weight in the first trimester as possible, which was almost impossible for me, considering I lost my breakfast, lunch, and dinner on a daily. But, I did everything I could.
I would get up every morning and eat a bowl of full fat yogurt with fruit and oatmeal in it, then I’d get ready for work. Then I’d have breakfast which usually consisted of two eggs, fruit, a piece of toast, and tea. Then I’d make myself a smoothie that included tofu, pasteurized egg whites, the nastiest high calorie shake on the market, fruit, full fat yogurt, coconut oil, oatmeal, OJ, and milk. This was all before 9:00 a.m.. I’d have a snack around 10:30 and then lunch at noon, and another snack at 2:30, snack at 5:30 when I arrived home, and then dinner. Then a bedtime snack…and when I’d wake up in the middle of the night I’d have a giant glass of milk (yuck, that sounds awful now), and go back to bed. This is all while also consuming just shy of a gallon of water each day. No joke. I was an eating machine, with no room for storage.
Seriously, what is that thing? It looks like a torpedo is shooting out of my body! That was me, at 27 weeks, one month before I delivered.
By the time I delivered at 31 weeks (so…technically, 9 weeks to go in my quest for 50 lbs.), I had gained 40 lbs. I was HUGE. I was uncomfortable. I had to pee every 5 minutes. I felt absolutely ridiculous about 90% of the time. But, in the end it was totally worth it because my babies were “big” according to some of the NICU nurses. I cannot imagine what would have happened to our babies if I hadn’t consumed every single calorie I just described to you. It could have been disastrous and tragic.
There are a few other key moments that I don’t think I’ll ever forget. My parents had a trip to Madagascar planned for basically the month of July, and would be back at the beginning of my second trimester. We planned to wait to tell them until they returned but we just couldn’t keep it a secret. I’ll NEVER forget the look on my mom’s face when we told her, and the tears of joy squirting out of my dad’s eyes were really quite incredible. They took a card with ultrasound photos with them to give to my younger brother who is a Peace Corps Volunteer in Madagascar. They were so excited to tell him and I’m so thankful that we told them before they left!
My niece was 5 and my nephew was 3 when we told them I was having twins and one of the things that made my huge belly bearable was how they would kiss it and talk to the babies and I’d have them guess if it was two girls, two boys, or a boy and a girl each time I’d see them (before we got the ultrasound telling us we’d have one of each). They were so sweet and cute and were also really great when the kiddos were in the NICU (a story for another post).
I told Patrick yesterday that I keep thinking of all the “what ifs?” And we talked a bit about it and realized that there’s no reason to spend energy wonder what might have happened. What happened was that things got a little crazy around the time of delivery, the babies showed up a little early, and now we’re all just fine! And they’re CUTE.
Not that anyone’s asking, but I recommend that anyone who is expecting multiples, gain that weight, drink that water, forget what anyone says about staying active…do what’s comfortable because you are not going to be comfortable doing much of anything at all. Do your best not to compare yourself and your pregnancy to your friends who are only expecting one. It’s different, way different. And magical. Having twins is awesome and I wouldn’t want it any other way.
Here, this video of Rylan eating Neala’s face will prove how magical it really is (I know, I know, I need to turn my phone the other way so the video is not so small…it was early in the morning, give me a break).
Opening Day and Father’s Day
I’m feeling entirely uninspired today, as sleep training the twins is not going well. I feel like we’ve had 3 pretty easy months (as far as sleep goes), and less than a week before Patrick starts residency, the kids decided they do not want to sleep. Day or night. No sleep. Ever.
But…today is a big day! It’s Father’s day and I’ve been absolutely blessed in my life to have my own dad, my amazing husband, his dad, and my two grandfathers. I’m so lucky to have such supportive, loving, respectful, and caring men in my life and I’m so very, very thankful (especially on a day like today), that Patrick is the father to our children. His mild manner, soft touch, dedication, and compassion keep us all grounded.
On a lighter note, today would have been opening day at Brush Ranch, were it still in operation. This day always marked the real beginning of summer for me. My station on opening day was at the front gate to greet every single carload of kids that arrived. I loved doing this because it meant that I knew when everyone arrived, who was first, who was last, and every little kiddo in between.
Thought I’d share this little gem, a Brush Ranch postcard from the late 60’s (courtesy Rachel Maurer)
The excitement and anxiety that opening day brought to so many kids (and staff) is somewhat indescribable unless you’ve been there yourself. This day marked a summer full of fishing poles, swimming pool, ballet slippers, horses, tennis rackets, capture the flag, cookouts, dances, rodeos, skeet shooting, ropes courses, fly tying, care packages, letter writing, homesickness, life lessons, slumber parties, sneaking out, coke floats, hikes, views, rain, river wading, sunshine, dirt, salmon eggs, puddle jumping, and lifelong friends.
Sorry this is quite a short post, I must go back to my screaming children…who have been “crying it out” for at least 30 minutes now. GO. TO. SLEEP. BABIES!!!!
Pep Talks
Over the past 8 or so years I’ve given Patrick countless pep talks. He is an incredible student and an incredible person, but has a way of doubting himself that can bring him to an almost standstill.
First there were the pep talks about getting into med school and helping him convince himself that all the pre-requisites would be worth it in the end and that his crappy job at one of the hospitals in town would look good on his resumé. They went something like this:
You can do this. Yes, you should do this. The job is temporary and will look good on your resumé, I promise. Any medical school in the country would be lucky to have you and you’ll make a great doctor one day.
Then there were the pep talks about getting into medical school that went something like this:
You are qualified! You have the right scores, you want to do this for all the right reasons. You’re smart, kind, compassionate, and again, qualified. They’d be crazy not to take you!
And then he didn’t get in the first time and I had to give that one all over again, but with a little more emphasis:
You are qualified! You have the right scores, you want to do this for all the right reasons. You’re smart, kind, compassionate, and again, qualified. They’d be crazy not to take you! The people who turned you down the first time must be idiots (unless of course they’re still on the admission committee…then kiss ass). You’ve done everything they said you should do to get in this time!
Then, once he did get in, there were the pep talks before tests that went something like this:
You’re qualified, calm, cool, collected, smart, compassionate, kind. You can do this. You’re prepared, you’ve done everything you can. Don’t forget to eat…Here, I got up at 5:30 and made you breakfast. Don’t drink coffee, it messes up your stomach. I made you tea. Drink it. Drive safe. I love you. I’m proud of you and proud to be your wife.
Boom. Test aced, just like that.
Then there were the residency application/interview pep talks:
You’re qualified, calm, cool, collected, smart, compassionate, kind. You can do this. You’re prepared, you’ve done everything you can. Don’t forget to eat. I’ve been up all night with two babies kicking me from the inside so I didn’t make you breakfast. Don’t drink coffee, it messes up your stomach. Fly safe! I love you!
And…just the other night, he got an email from an orthopedic resident a few years ahead of him that detailed the hours he’d be working and the difficult times ahead and there was a new pep talk:
You’re qualified and prepared, probably more so than the other new interns since you went to UNM. You know the systems, you even know some of the people. You know your way around the hospital. You can do this. This is what you’ve worked so hard for and what our family has worked so hard for. Your long hours have paid off! The people who are in the program and running the program want you to succeed. The weeding out process is over now, you made it!
And then he looked at me with these big sad (handsome) eyes and said, “What about you and the babies?” And I found myself giving us both a pep talk:
We will be fine. We will miss you, but we will be OK. I’ll figure out feeding both of them at the same time. It’s not easy but I can do it. We have our families to help. I promise to ask for help. I promise to try to take time for myself. They are good babies, they sleep well and are happy when they’re fed (usually). You were here when I needed you most. We’ve crossed the 6 month mark and they are healthy and growing. We will be fine. They will be fine. It will be a long few years, but we can do it. We will come visit you when we can, even if it’s just for a quick cup of coffee at the hospital coffee shop, or lunch in the cafeteria…hey, they have decent tuna salad (as I learned when we had babies in the NICU), also, Tuesday is green chile stew day and the moment I’m done breastfeeding, I’m there for that spicy, creamy goodness! I love you. I’m proud of you. I’m proud to be your wife and our kids are lucky to have you as dad!
I’ll probably be repeating that last pep talk to myself over and over in the next few months. But, I really know that we can do this. We’re not the first family faced with these challenges, and we won’t be the last. We just have to remember to take the little steps necessary to keep our sanity (for example, the babies are sleeping in their own room tonight for the first time…of course, I won’t sleep at all but oh well). We will take it one day at a time and before we know it, residency will be over and there will be a whole new set of pep talks!
(I’d like to also say that Patrick has given me my fair share of pep talks too and talked me off the ledge more than once…eek, like the time I threatened to apply for law school! )
Adjusted Age and 6 Months!!!
I continue to be amazed each day by our little ones and can’t believe they’re 6 months old! Man, what a 6 months it’s been!
The cuteness just kills me sometimes!
Of course, every time I look at either of them I’m so thankful for how far they’ve come and know that they are little preemie miracles. They’re 10 lbs. 5 oz. and 11 lbs. 15 oz these days, give or take (depends on how full that last diaper was). To me, that seems GIANT. You have to remember, when they arrived they were just over and just under 3 lbs. Of course, then I see them next to “normal” babies who are the same age and I’m reminded that they are indeed, not giant, not giant at all, and that’s when I have to remember their “adjusted age.”
Before I got pregnant, I’d never heard the term “adjusted age.” When I found out we were having twins, I prepared myself for early delivery, just in case, and that’s when I started learning about “adjusted age” (I think I’ll stop with the quotes now…you get it, right?!). Basically, the adjusted age of a baby is the difference between when they were born and their due date, and adjusted age is not calculated if the mom carries to 37 weeks or more (between 37 and 40 weeks is considered full term). For example, our babies were born December 9th and my due date was February 9th (it was really the 8th, but we’ll use the 9th for simplicity’s sake). They were 9 weeks early, so when we talk about their adjusted age, we take their real age and subtract 9 weeks. Currently:
26 weeks – 9 weeks = 17 weeks (4 1/4 months)
I have to remind myself almost daily that when I compare my kiddos to other kids (which is inevitable, no matter how much I try to avoid the comparison game), that I need to be comparing them to kids who are 4 1/4 months old, not 6 months old. I wish I could avoid comparisons all together, but that would mean never leaving the house, since babies are everywhere. But, even that comparison is not fair at all times due to what one doc called “genetic variants,” meaning, I’m small, my kids have some of my genes, so they’ll be small too. We have friends with babies who are around 4 months old and they are really, really big…and healthy and super cute. Ours are healthy and super cute, I’m OK with two out of three.
The doctors and professionals who assess them for various development milestones will use the adjusted age until they are two years old, and after that they should have mostly caught up. We are constantly explaining what adjusted age means and there are times when I feel like other parents look at us like we’re totally nuts when we tell them our kids are 6 months old. I’d like to stop using the adjusted age, it’s annoying…but as of this point, our kids are reaching milestones using the adjusted age calculation, so I guess we’ll stick with it for now!
And…I’d like to send out one more little shout out to the doctors and nurses who have helped us along in this journey!